Right Thinking on Social Security
While the Experts at CNN-FN deal with the less-informed yet loaded investing public, smarter young people are busy saving for retirement -- and they're not counting on Social Security to be there for them. Smart investor Michael H. says: "I am not counting on Social Security for any of my retirement. If I get anything, I will consider it a bonus."

This is a wise point of view for anyone to have. Any citizen who depends on Social Security -- well, as one of my coworkers put it today, is going to end up in the poorhouse. (Actually, what he said was, "You conservatives like poorhouses, don't you? Dickens wrote about those a century or two ago -- never read it, did you?") But that's not the point. You all know what the point is -- save on your own, and start saving today.

  thus spake Benjamin on 30.4.02

 
Blaming the (Loaded) Kiddies Dept.
Fun investing mirth can be had reading this CNN-FN "Ask the Expert" segment. Among the very funny ripostes -- well, I think they're funny -- is this:

INVESTOR:: "I sold all my mutual funds back in a panic after September 11th and I need a fresh start ... What kind of funds should I buy for long-term growth?"

THE EXPERT: "In fact, if anything, history tells us that the market typically rebounds pretty strongly in the wake of selloffs precipitated by tragedies, disasters and other catastrophic events. Partly that's because people like you panic and sell, driving the market below its intrinsic value, which makes bargains possible for investors who buy in the aftermath of such events."

Never underestimate the American Public's willingness to panic -- and remember! The Market Always Goes Up in the Long Term.


  thus spake Benjamin on 30.4.02

 
Deranged Vegetarians Starve Child
Allison Barnes, who has a good eye for finding these type of news stories, passes along this New York Post story about a vegetarian couple who starved their baby on a diet of nuts, fruits, and vegetables.

Look, people. Despite that old saying that you are what you eat, there's no reason you need to make your children as screwed up as you are.

Now, that little bon mot aside, let's look at the facts.

One. As Allison noticed, this couple named their baby "Ice." I don't know whether they were on ice when they decided to call their daughter that. Still, it is a disturbing sign that people who enjoy all the rights and responsibilities of citizenship in these United States would do such a thing.

Two. The parents approach "veganism" as a religion. This is just disturbing. It is almost as disturbing as parents who claim that God Himself has told them not to seek medical advice for their children, as if Western Medicine is the tool of Satan. Of course, the courts have held that religious belief is no defense when it comes to child abuse -- and that will hopefully go doubly so when the criminal justice system slams down on them for their -- alleged -- crimes.

Three. Vegetarian people get very angry when you point out to them that Hitler was a vegetarian.

Four. Very, very, very angry.

Five. The parents' lawyer asked why there was such a long delay -- months long, actually -- in filing charges against the parents. Now, this is a reasonable point to ask, but not for the reasons he is considering. It appalls me that charges were not filed right away against these allegedly unscrupulous and manipulative people, these people who felt they had the right to play God with their child's life.

  thus spake Benjamin on 30.4.02

 
Oh, I'm Sick, Sick, Sick. PHYSICALLY Sick, That Is
Many apologies to my small cadre of loyal readers who continue to visit The Rant daily, despite my lack of posting. I'm sorry about that, but I had a very, very good reason for not doing so.

I am now entering Day Three of a long fight against some hideous disease ravaging my already ruined system. With my luck, it is undoubtedly something horrid like dengue or fever 'n ague or the strange return of some dread bacterium which two centuries ago wiped out entire generations of Kepples.

Whatever this foul pestilence ravaging my already ruined body is, it is making things rather unpleasant. It's one of those hellish infirmeries which saps every ounce of strength from one's body and drains the will from one's soul, the type of sickness which keeps one lying in bed moaning and wondering, "Christ Jesus, what in the name of all that's holy is happening to me?" I know my father would blame tobacco for my illness, and he's probably right. A coworker, ensuring she stayed at least ten feet from me, blamed bad living. She's probably right too.

The good news, however, is that I am conquering the enemy in this very personal War Against Terrorism. I can now eat solid food without retching, and walk without feeling woozy in my legs. Even better, I have already unleashed my secret stash of Afrin and gassed my splitting headache into remission. Yes. We have met the enemy, and he -- well, it -- is ours!

Now: here is a proven remedy for sour stomach. Read Scott Rubush's excellent critique of some idiot L.A. Times writer. It seems the Times man got permission to leave his desk and actually venture into the field to do some reporting. Naturally, he failed at this task. Mr Rubush is there to point out all the flaws and screw-ups.

  thus spake Benjamin on 30.4.02

 
Motorcycle Gangs Open Fire in Harrah's Laughlin; 4 Dead, 11 Wounded
Reuters reports that members of rival motorcycle gangs opened fire on each other in a Laughlin, Nev. casino earlier this morning, leaving over a dozen people dead or wounded.

Commentary in a bit.

  thus spake Benjamin on 27.4.02

 
Of Course You Can Outperform the Market
Megan McArdle has a nice, if overly gloomy, post on investing that's must reading for anyone interested in the stock market. She's responding to a post from Patrick Ruffini in which he asks why she doesn't give stock market tips. She has three main reasons: 1) financial advice is serious and personal, 2) if you do give advice, you'll eventually get sued; and 3) "I'm Chicago-trained, so I subscribe to the notion that you can't beat the market in the long run."

Now, I wholeheartedly agree with Points One and Two, and given that, I would again remind readers that I am a journalist. I am not a financial planner. Still, the idea that an individual investor can't beat the market in the long run is silly. It takes a great deal of work, and luck, and an understanding of the human condition, but I remain confident that an investor who has all these three things can and shall consistently outperform the market as a whole. Not outrageously so: there are only a few people can consistently hit home-runs without fail, and even the best of those trip up on occasion. But it can be done, and is done with astonishing regularity.

However, Miss McArdle writes:

"The stock market is so well traded that arbitrage opportunities vanish almost as soon as they appear; professional money managers who spend all their time researching companies, according to studies, earn back just about what it cost them, in economic terms, to find the information that allowed them to invest better."

Aye, this is true -- but then a real investor, an investor in for the long-term, does not worry himself with arbitrage. Arbitrage, a five-dollar Stock Market Word, means that an investor buys a security at Price A and simultaneously sells at Price B, reaping his profit on the difference. In short, it's the respectable equivalent of a sports bettor "betting the middle" on the Raiders-Rams game. This is a strategy for day-traders and institutional investors whose primary goal is to squeeze 'tweenths out of an equity, not Mr and Mrs Jones down the block, whose primary goal is to have enough cash to someday winter in Scottsdale.

"I'm not going to spend all my time researching the market, and I don't think I'm smarter than the people running the mutual funds that underperform the market. So I buy low-fee index funds (there are more sophisticated products that do the same thing with a superior return, but they take more money than I have to buy in). Of course there are problems with this approach; for one thing, when a stock joins an index like the S&P it's price jumps about 5-10%, so the assets are overpriced. But I would find this argument more compelling if all the active stock-pickers who pointed this out to me hadn't underperformed their indexes in both the boom and the bust."

There is no denying that index funds are perhaps one of the best ideas to come around on Wall Street, and I can assure you that Much Wiser People Than Me have told me this. Of course, these same Smarter People tell me that index funds were such a good idea that they made the entire indexes they were tracking overpriced. Still, I do believe these funds are certainly meritorious: they can never outperform or underperform the market, because they are the market.

"And third of all, financial advice is serious and personal. I could say broad, true things: don't put all your money in equity; don't expect more than 3-5% annual real returns; don't invest more than 10% in the sector you work in, much less your company, even though it's "What you know" (you're not Peter Lynch, and he diversifies like hell); don't hold high-interest debt in order to buy securities of any sort unless their real yield is higher than your debt (it's not, in almost any case); don't base your investment decisions on what everyone else is doing; don't think you're a genius because you correctly picked one stock that did well. Monkeys throwing darts at the Wall Street Journal could hit one high-flyer." In other words, act sensible and don't expect to get rich on the stock market. Allocate your assets between different securities and different industries. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

This is wonderful except for the 3-5% annual real return figure. I will be the first to say that we will probably not ever see the return of 15 and 20 percent annual gains that were commonplace for investors during the Nineties. Still, I don't see why a reasonable investor, making prudent decisions, cannot enjoy an annual return of 7 to 10 percent on his investments.

Now, this may result in much wailing and gnashing of teeth among my readers ("ONLY 7 percent? But I won't be able to retire when I'm 40!"). Well, you won't be able to, unless you've a trust fund. Deal with it. People who sunk their money into Internet stocks and other silly ideas, and who subsequently lost their shirts, did so on the premise they would Get Rich Quick. That's not how life usually works. And while there were people who DID Get Rich Quick on Internet stocks, they were those in from the very beginning. In short, they weren't the suckers.

"But this isn't helpful, because you already know this, and you're ignoring it. You're plunging your net worth into things, hoping they'll go up and you can get rich and retire. You're holding credit card debt while you put money into a Roth IRA. You're not putting a sensible 40% into equity, even though retirement's only 20 years away, because bond returns are too low; you're putting it all into equity, and planning to switch into Munis when you're seventy. At least, if you're anything like the rest of America, that's what you're doing. So I'd be talking to myself."

Personally, I feel a 40 percent equity portfolio is too conservative for the long-haul -- but then, I am 26 years old and have 40 years until I retire. But that doesn't mean I am sinking all my cash into the Aggressive International Special Semi-Diversified New Emerging Markets Fund. I am proud to say my balanced 401(k) fund, which I opened this year, is performing at a respectable annual return of 11% (9% after inflation is taken into account). As I grow older, a much lower rate of return -- say 5 percent, inflation-adjusted -- will become more than reasonable to assure a slight return on my principal as well as to ensure adequate expenses for living. And certainly I feel Miss McArdle's point about credit-card debt is wise: it's stupid for anyone to pay 18% a year on borrowed money to make 9% in the market. In the long run, an investor who does this ends up a loser.

But when it comes to picking individual equities, an investor can outperform the market and can make more than 3-5% in real returns. Those who underperform the market likely do so because they wanted to get rich quick: they bought into the Internet boom and the telecoms boom and all the rest, and they got hit so bad the very idea of selling those JDS Uniphase or Nortel or Enron shares is enough to make them wince. In short, they got hit so bad they can't get over the emotional attachment they have to the stocks: they "can't afford" to get out. After all, NoBusinessPlan.com might go up again!

Of course it will go up!

Won't it?

No, it won't. But all this could have been avoided, and smart investors avoided these companies like the plague when these firms were hideously overvalued.

A smart investor realizes, as one very smart investor put it to me, that "people are sheep." People want to believe the investment bankers really do care about how well their personal portfolio is performing. People want to believe that they can get rich quick and retire. People want to believe the Big Lie of Investing: that it's OK to make foolish and intemperate investing decisions because they have time to make up the gains in some far-off future. These false hopes inevitably lead to disaster.

A smart investor is content to reap moderate gains; he is content to let the Magic of Compounding work his alchemy; and he is content in the knowledge that in that same far-off future, his 6-8% gain will be a heck of a lot more in thirty years than it is today. He remembers the old maxim from the Koran that Teddy Roosevelt recognized as so wise and true:

"God is with the patient, if they know how to wait."

  thus spake Benjamin on 27.4.02

 
Economic Recovery? Not Necessarily
In breathless tones, The Associated Press reports The Recession is Over. Q1 GDP growth came in at an impressive 5.8%, they say, and this clearly means we're back on our way to economic prosperity.

I'm not convinced -- not yet, at any rate. Our factories are still only running at about 80 percent of capacity, unemployment is still on the rise due to uncertainty about the future, and The University of Michigan's consumer confidence index fell again. Wiser people than I have also informed me that some of the first quarter's gains can be attributed to firms restocking their inventories. That indicates that people are buying, but I do think it is too early to say we're out of the woods yet. Let's see significant growth over three quarters -- then I'll be convinced.

Of course, if we keep up this 6 percent rate of increase, it's almost certain the Fed will raise interest rates. And who knows how Wall Street and Main Street will react to that?

  thus spake Benjamin on 27.4.02

 
Saudi Arabia and the Home Front
Joseph Heller, the late and great American Jewish writer, once wrote: "To people who couldn't wind a wristwatch, He gave underground oceans of oil. To us, He gave dietary restrictions." An unpleasant result of this unfortunate historical circumstance is found in this speech from a Saudi Arabian cleric. This devout spiritual authority calls for the rape and plunder of Israel and the destruction of the United States.

Why we continue to put up with these uncivilised barbarians is beyond me. When the Cold War was in full swing, supporting Saudi Arabia made sense -- we had to protect our oil supplies from the Soviet menace. Now, however, there is no compelling geopolitical reason to coddle them or any other corrupt Arab regime. Conversely, we have even more compelling reasons to support Israel, the Middle East's lone democracy, as it fights for its very existence.

We must do so.

Meanwhile, Victor Davis Hanson over at National Review Online has a nice article on anti-American extremism here at home. Speaking of Palestinian activists, anti-globalisation activists, and other assorted lackwits, Mr Hanson writes, "The only way to confront the new fascists is to speak honestly about them and not remain silent."

Mr Hanson is unfortunately right. In some ways, this is a pity: a far more pleasing and efffective tactic would be to a) deport certain of these parties back to the wretched homelands they fled so many years ago, and b) crack down on their activities here in the United States. But then, this is America. We don't do things that would be accepted as a matter of course in foreign despotisms.

And that, of course, is what helped make us the great nation we are today.

  thus spake Benjamin on 27.4.02

 
THEY Can Panic. I'LL Take The Scum With Me
Howie Kurtz has a really nice article on blogging as part of his "Media Notes" column in the Washington Post, but also of interest is his debunking of the trend towards "panic rooms." For the uninitiated, a "panic room" is a large secure room the residents of a home can retreat to if criminals manage to get past the rent-a-cops in charge of their gated community's security. In theory, people are preparing these rooms en masse after the Jodie Foster film "Panic Room" was released, but Mr Kurtz says this is not so.

This is good. First, it shows Americans aren't as dumb as we might otherwise think. Secondly, it shows Americans still have guts. By God, if anyone enters my apartment and threatens my person, they can be damn sure they'll get ... well ... whatever it is they're looking for. They can have that old MGD in the fridge too, for all I care. Just leave the desk and the computer.

  thus spake Benjamin on 22.4.02

 
I'm Getting Older, Sign 623
The New York Post reports a TIME magazine writer has infuriated "The White Stripes," a brother-sister rock group whom the Post says is a "hot rock duo." The TIME scribe is digging into their personal lives and causing all sorts of problems, apparently.

I have no idea who these people are.

Should I?

Or am I just really not with it?

  thus spake Benjamin on 22.4.02

 
Zut-Freakin-Alors
Good God. I come home from work. I sleep eight hours. I wake up to find that neo-Fascist Jean-Marie Le Pen, whom I despise and hate, comes in 2nd-place in the French presidential election.

Now, I realize many people are not into world politics much. So you should visit Matt Welch to see why Le Pen's strong second-place finish is a Really Bad Thing, and despite that, why something good could come out of it.

Some observations:

* Well, at least we got rid of Lionel Jospin. Having the French Socialists go down to defeat is good. Unfortunately, it would have been much nicer if this had happened in the runoff. But Matt Welch explains why Jospin's loss is a good thing. Even though M Le Pen is without a doubt, as he put it, a "Buchananite nut-job."

* Mr Welch does not, however, consider the fact that M Le Pen's strong showing could throw a monkey-wrench into June's elections in the National Assembly. As Reuters notes, M Jospin's resignation will leave the French Left leaderless -- meaning the Centre-Right will find it much easier to capture Parliament.

* Speaking of the National Assembly, has anyone actually considered the possibility we might see a repeat of the Jeorg Haider situation in Austria? There, the far-Right Freedom Party had to be included in Government after it received 27 percent of the vote. Remember, there was a huge outcry from France and other EU nations about the fact Austria broke bread with the detestable Haider and his cronies. Fortunately, France has a first-past-the-post election system, so I think this isn't very probable at all -- but it does seem a worrying possibility, no matter how slight.

* Let's also not forget that M Le Pen's disaffected former ally, Bruno Megret, got about 2.5% of the vote. Now, true, that's not much, but it adds to the Fascist total.

* The BBC also reports a number of Frenchmen who did not bother voting in the election were quick to protest M Le Pen's second-place finishing. Crikey! Didn't they have any idea this was going to happen?



  thus spake Benjamin on 22.4.02

 
Easy Like Sunday Morning
Well, it appears the rash of early-morning assignments I was given to do for work last week have entirely bolluxed up my sleep schedule. So even though I do not have to get into work until the idle hour of 10 AM, I am up at 6:50 AM typing away on Blogger. That's right -- I have a full three hours until I must trod into work and deal with today's dose of death and destruction. So, with that in mind, I'm going to try and pack all my backlogged thoughts into one large entry.

*Allison Barnes has a succinct note on her policy regarding the perma-links she has on her page. As this is pretty much how I see things, linking to it not only saves me the trouble of typing it again, it gives you, the reader, a chance to check out her wonderful site.

*Scott Rubush makes an excellent point about democracy in this post about Venezuela. Now there are those who think returning to realpolitik is a bad idea; but I think the old stratagem has its advantages, especially in this day of terror attacks and petty tyrants. However, I do think we could update the idea for the 21st Century. When we were fighting Communism, we had a tendency to let the dictators do their own thing just as long as they did what was necessary to fight the Reds. Now that Comintern is no longer a concern, why not use our muscle again to promote different ideals?

Let's not forget we are doing exactly this in Pakistan. General Musharraf may be a dictator, but his help has proven invaluable in the War Against Terrorism. Further, we've made it quite clear both that a) he'd better help, or he's in trouble; and b) when this is all said and done, he'd better get Pakistan back on the road to democracy. Our support of the General has worked out well, so why couldn't we have done this in Venezuela? We could have let the generals and the businessmen run the place for a while, providing they ended their country's support of the FARC, stabilized their economy, and eventually returned to having free and fair elections.

But no. We idly stood aside and watched as Hugo Chavez quickly wormed his way back into power. Do we really think, despite being a duly elected official, he will suffer any of those three things while he holds onto the reins in Venezuela?

*Perry de Havilland reports that the screaming Anti-Everything mob that invaded Washington, D.C. with their placards and flags had no coherent message whatsoever. Mr de Havilland calls this "wonderful news," and I agree. But not just because, as he says, it provides a "juicy target" for those who support the things these protestors don't. It's also wonderful news because these ruffians haven't figured out their way of doing things is obsolete and ineffective. They will be a far more effective force when they realize screaming and creating traffic problems aren't the way hearts and minds are changed in the 21st Century.

But let's hope they never realize that.

*Ken Layne reports that Scripps Howard News Service has produced a 12-page tribute to former President Ronald Reagan. Now, the pages are embargoed until President Reagan passes on ... but the only embarrassing thing here is that their retrospective got out before it became necessary. I would think there would be plenty of newspapers with similar packages tucked safely away in their computers, awaiting that sad day. And let's look at the good in this: even the Major Media realize that nearly all Americans love Ronald Reagan. Should his eventual passing get more play than Johnson's or Nixon's? Damn right it should.

*Megan McArdle reports on the New Yorkers' blog party; Mr Rubush reports on the Angelenos' blog party (which I could not attend again, drat it all). At this rate, we shall have to have the Granite State Blog Fest in all due time. We could post pictures and everything! Of course, this would mean seeing pictures of me, and only me, in various states of nicotine-frenzy and drunkenness.

Then again, that's probably not such a good idea. After seeing them, everyone would call for taking away New Hampshire's right to Choose the President in our Always-First Primary, and that would be the end of everything. Maybe I can serve as the Granite State's unofficial ambassador to some sort of Boston-area festivities. Now that would be a good idea.

* God. I love John Philip Souza's music. This should surprise no one. 'Course, I always liked Teddy Roosevelt too.

* Richard Bennett reports that California's GOP gubernatorial nominee, Bill Simon, would re-submit Prop 187 to the federal courts if he is elected Governor. Mr Bennett rightly says this is a really stupid thing for a gubernatorial candidate in California to do. Mr Simon should concentrate on getting himself elected and popular before he decides to alienate half the people in his state.

Personally, I think a general amnesty for all illegal aliens currently in California -- and anywhere else -- would be an excellent idea. Let's not forget, even though we may not want to admit it, that California needs these people to do many of the jobs that keep its economic engine humming. They work faster, better, and harder than the native populace, something that should not cause the natives to scorn immigrants, but drive natives to do a better job themselves. And whether the immigrant in question is a highly-skilled computer programmer in San Jose, or a day-laborer on one of ten thousand street corners in Los Angeles, they should have every right to make a living in an honourable and legal fashion.

* BRIAN LINSE is BACK! WOO-HOOOOOOO!

Curiously, Mr Linse links to this Victor Davis Hanson article on National Review Online. Hmmmmmmm.

* Matt Welch comments on the possibility of a new newspaper for Los Angeles, which desperately needs a paper to deal with the City south of Rancho San Fernando Pacoima Sherman Oaks, or whatever they're going to call the Valley after it secedes from the City. Now, an interesting side note for me was to see that the founder of Investor's Business Daily, my former employer, was quoted saying he wasn't going to say how much money IBD has lost because the paper would "probably be embarrassed."

Well, it certainly wasn't spent on the help, I'll tell you that.

Mr Welch also suggests, as a memoir on the Newspaper Industry, Warren Hinckle's "If You Have a Lemon, Make Lemonade," which is certainly one way to describe Ramparts, the old journal of the New Left. Of course, I used to work for two of the guys who helped run Ramparts. So I must say if you're going to read Mr Hinckle's book, you owe it to yourself to read David Horowitz's Radical Son. It's not only a hell of a read, it has lots of stuff on his days at Ramparts. Like how they used to rotate putting staff on unemployment to save money.

Finally, Mr Welch has an interesting take on Republicans, and tells everyone to read Scott Rubush's site. I wholeheartedly agree! Mr Rubush is an excellent example of a new-style California conservative. "Come on, Kepple!" you say to yourself. "How can you say that?" Well, it's not just that Mr Rubush has an appreciation for Latin culture -- it's because he actually likes living in Los Angeles. More old-fashioned conservatives, like myself, were content to have a love-hate relationship with the place culminating in an embittered move to the East Coast. An embittered move to New Hampshire -- a place where businesses close at a God-fearing hour, a place where stores which only sell pre-sliced white bread can make a profit, a place where the state liquor authority is your only source of hard alcohol in a bottle.

For the love of God! What was I thinking?

  thus spake Benjamin on 21.4.02

 
Due to Circumstances Beyond My Control ...
Hey, everybody. I must apologize for the recent dearth of postings to The Rant: everything from a particularly busy week at work to Blogger eating my lovingly hand-typed posts has contributed to this. However, I should be back to normal pretty soon. That said, let me give you an FYI on this upcoming week's schedule. Don't expect any posts on Wednesday, Apr 24 or Thursday, Apr 25. Why, you ask? Well, due to various schedule conflicts, yours truly will be likely end up working a 17-hour day on Thursday -- which means all I am going to do on Wednesday night is sleep, and Thursday I'll be at the office.

Hey, a man has to earn his living somehow!

  thus spake Benjamin on 20.4.02

 
Connecticut REALLY IS Full of Surprises!
CT toymaker makes Bush, Bin Laden dolls.

  thus spake Benjamin on 18.4.02

 
We Need a Court to Decide This?
I think all Web loggers may rest easier now. You see, a California appeals court found that calling someone a "skank" is not, in fact, libelous.

  thus spake Benjamin on 18.4.02

 
Houston, We Have a Problem
God help me. I like Maureen Dowd's latest column. Of course, it could be because it consists entirely of men's responses to Miss Dowd's last column. There is not a dull word within it.

Well, perhaps just a few. Miss Dowd writes that "some female readers are concerned that men might be engaged in a sinister Stepford plot to get rid of uppity alpha women by refusing to mate with them and pass down their genes to their daughters."

At least it's proof not every woman has figured us out yet. After all, we're not talking about having at it here -- we're talking about long-lasting and successful relationships with the opposite sex. Besides, wasn't it the feminists in the first place who told us that love and marriage were two mutually exclusive things?

  thus spake Benjamin on 18.4.02

 
Non-Corporatist Compradore Lackeys Assail Weinkopf
Chris Weinkopf, the virtuous half of the former Weinkopf-Kepple writing team, has written a nice column for FrontPage Magazine in which he calls for the mockery, ridicule, censure and condemnation of Rep Cynthia McKinney, D-Georgia. The honourable Congresswoman essentially saw fit to declare Our President a war profiteer a few weeks back -- sound familiar, anyone? -- and right-thinking people everywhere have called her ideas dumb.

And what does Mr Weinkopf get for telling it like it is? Rather a lot of e-mail from angry conspiracy theorists, black racialists, and sundry loners who have little better to do than accuse Mr Weinkopf of being an agent provocateur in the service of the Eastern Establishment. Also they think he is a collabo garbage-eating honky running-dog traitor or some such.

This is, of course, a lie. Mr Weinkopf, like myself, is not a collaborationist. We help run the whole shebang, don't you know! With a little help from our Good Friends at the Trilateral Commission.

  thus spake Benjamin on 18.4.02

 
Who Lost Venezuela?
Like Oliver Willis, I am appalled and disgusted at the situation in Venezuela. Naturally, they are for two different reasons. Mr Willis wants to know whether we had a hand in the recent coup attempt against President Hugo Chavez. I want to know: if we did, who screwed up? and if we didn't, why the heck not?

  thus spake Benjamin on 17.4.02

 
Scotty Scores Again
Scott Rubush has an excellent commentary on the Far Left's advocacy of pedophilia. Oliver Willis, meanwhile, says Mr Rubush is trying to paint the entire Left as weak on this issue, but I don't buy it. After all, Mr Rubush is pretty clear he is referring to people far more extreme than even Mr Willis. And I think that there are some things even supposed centrists won't condone.

The fun part is finding out just what those things are. They just hate it when we try to pin them down on this stuff.

  thus spake Benjamin on 17.4.02

 
I Guess This is Good
The Washington Post reports that Destiny's Child, a singing group, has been put on the defensive for their latest song. Entitled "Nasty Girl," this song encourages young, scantily-clad women to put clothes on.

This has caused controversy.

You make the call. Is this a sign our society has gone off the deep end? Or, is this a sign our society is finally realizing we've gone off the deep end?

  thus spake Benjamin on 17.4.02

 
The Dating Game
Positively petulant. That's the best phrase to describe Maureen Dowd's frame of mind in her latest screed, "The Baby Bust." You see, Miss Dowd has apparently been rather a long time without a date, and seems to despair of ever finding a suitable husband. To no one's surprise, she blames men for this: a perfectly silly reaction to throwing the dice and crapping out in the Game of Love.

Now, the apparent inspiration for this column was an encounter Miss Dowd had with what men kindly refer to as a "jerk," a "scumbag," and a "cad," although we usually pepper our words with much saltier language in describing such uncivilised degenerates. The cad in question, Miss Dowd reports, said that men preferred women who were "malleable and overawed." Further, he allegedly said, Miss Dowd would never find a husband because she was too intelligent.

If this man does in fact exist, and one of my readers may know him, would you kindly take him aside and .... I don't know. Why not break his arms and legs? That would be quite nice. For it is men like this that make things much more difficult for their more civilised and sensitive counterparts, those of us who can actually make a halfway-decent showing when it comes to dealing with smart women. I say halfway-decent showing for a reason: we're generally perfect from the neck up; it's the rest of us which tends to the subpar.

Now, I have it on Good Authority from an acquaitance of mine in the journalism field that Miss Dowd is Quite a Dish. A young acquaintance of mine in the journalism field, older than me but still a healthy and virile gent. So the problems that some face (healthy mind; ruined body) are not an issue here. Instead, I would put the blame squarely on the fact reading her work -- and by extension, being with her personally -- is about as enjoyable as listening to a nail scratched down a blackboard.

True, this is just me -- I find it incredibly difficult to maintain interest in any girl/woman who votes Democratic. Further, I should note that I have never met Miss Dowd, and for all I know she may have a wonderful and engaging personality. But as there are plenty of otherwise intelligent leftist men out there, I don't see why she hasn't found a suitable guy in all of New York City. Unless it really isn't the guy, it's her after all.

Of course, it's convenient that Miss Dowd is in fact a Miss, as opposed to a Mr. For if a man had written such a hysterical article blaming women for his inability to get a date, he would be mocked and scorned from here to Kathmandu. His fellow men would snicker at him, and if he ever did enter into the sacrament of marriage, they would instantly attempt to cuckold him. Meanwhile, his chances with the fairer sex would plummet even lower than they had been prior to his outburst. In short, real men don't blame women for not getting a date. They don't blame anyone. They realize the things limiting them from meeting women (lack of muscle tone, excess weight) and they look at their own unbending parameters (political views, religion, must know what I'm talking about when I go off on a Rant about Castro, Federal Reserve policy, or President Clinton) and work from there.

Not that Miss Dowd does this. Oh no. In a frightening display of nonsensical statements paired together to resemble a Point, she says the following Odd Things:

"The problem here is not only that women are procrastinating too long; it is that men veer away from "challenging" women because they have an atavistic desire to be the superior force in a relationship."

Not really, no. Of course, this might be the case if you were basing your analysis of men on an overgrown fraternity boy -- but provided you're not, you might find that normal, intelligent, sane men actually ... I don't know, are looking for an equal partner in a relationship.

"If men would only give up their silly desire for world dominance, the world would be a much finer place."

Aside from the silliness of this statement ... Aristophanes had this figured out 2,500 years ago. Of course, Aristophanes also figured out that women ran the world.

"Look at the Taliban. Look at the Vatican. Now, look at the bonobo."

I'm not going to dignify this with a response. In fact, The Twilight Zone is coming on, it's late, and I have to work early tomorrow. So I'm not going to dignify the rest of her stupid, embittered, outraged, doltish, imbecilic, moronic, petty, frustrated, and downright dumb column with a response either. As Mencken might have said, "Go read it and find out for yourself. The way to happiness lies through suffering."


  thus spake Benjamin on 17.4.02

 
Beware the Ides of April!
As a practicing Christian, perhaps the most frustrating aspect of Christ's teaching is his command that one should give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and give to God what is God's. Now, I haven't any problem with the latter half of that equation, of course, but truly there is nothing more frustrating for me than giving the Government what it says I owe it. Especially when the Caesar in question is Gray Davis, Governor of California.

I mean, really. In AD 2001, I was forced to pay the Government of California literally hundreds of my hard-earned dollars, and on April 15, I found myself writing the Franchise Tax Board a cheque for an additional $60. Now, I realize that this is a paltry sum in the grand scheme of things, but it's the principle of the thing that frustrates me. I was a productive citizen when I lived in California. I used none of the services which the Government provided, and while I am more than willing to admit that I should pony up for things like roads, prisons, roads, the CHiPs, and roads, the fact California did everything possible to shake me down for extra cash just gets under my skin.

It's not my fault the Government of California doesn't know how to deregulate an electricity market. It's not my fault the Government of California can't figure out how to attract more jobs and industry to the State. And it's not my fault the Government of California can't figure out its withholding tables properly. But they don't care. They want more. After all, we've got to make sure the corrupt state assemblymen get compensated for every bit of travel they're able to put onto their mileage forms! And we've got to make sure the lights stay on, even if that means practically bankrupting the state!

Gaaaah. And what kind of sick people put people who make no money in a nine-freakin-percent state tax bracket?! That's insane. Then, they make it bloody well impossible for an average citizen to file their return electronically. That's just insult added on to injury right there.

I'm just thankful this was the last time ever that I'll have to file a California tax return, with their miserly exemptions and credits that disappear once a Person Becomes Rich (in California tax terms, that's anyone who makes more than $30,000). Now that I live in New Hampshire, I can rest assured that the State will make all -- well, most -- of the money it needs through state and local property taxes, vehicle registration fees, sin taxes, and small taxes on business profits.

Truly this is how a tax system should work. Fair, just, and equitable for the working man; reasonable for the wealthy. Not bad at all.

  thus spake Benjamin on 15.4.02

 
File Under "Delusions of Grandeur"
A leftist anti-warblogger, if there are such people, has proclaimed to the world he refuses to speak his mind because he does not want Our Government to show up on his doorstep, Invade his Home, Plunder his Seas, Burn his Townes, and Take Away his Liberties, etc. etc.

It seems to me this is a case of someone thinking he is far more important than he is in actuality. It also is a particularly dumb way of thinking. If you're a well-known figure, or you have a by-line, or you have connections or a stake in society, wouldn't that mean your chances of having the G-men at your door are actually much less than if you were some annoying leftist snot?

  thus spake Benjamin on 14.4.02

 
Seize Him, I Said!
Great. Just one day after I crow about Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez getting deposed, he returns and looks ready to take the reins of power once again.

In my previous post on this matter, I had chortled about the fact the Venezuelans accomplished their coup d'etat without any help from the Yanquis. Now, I hope the Central Intelligence Agency is dusting off their plans to deal with corrupt Castroite Latin American dictators.

  thus spake Benjamin on 14.4.02

 
Sullen Youth Avoid Youth Festival
See what I mean? Today's music sucks. At least that's what the youth of Miami feel. Attendance at this silly festival was 90 percent below expectations.

  thus spake Benjamin on 14.4.02

 
Science-Fiction Note
As a fan of science-fiction, I couldn't help but click on Tim Blair's link to this book proposal on Publisher's Marketplace. Now, the gist of the plot is that Aliens crash-land in North America and there is much resulting fallout, and humanity learns about the aliens' decent and good ways, blah blah freakin' blah.

My favourite science-fiction books -- Asimov's Foundation series, Herbert's Dune books, much of Ray Bradbury's work -- don't have one drop of alien-ness in them. Instead, they deal with human struggles and with human frailty. It seems to me the idea of an alien race is too often used as a deus ex machina, and in this instance that certainly seems to be the case. There's also another reason why I don't care for books with aliens in them: stupid names. In this plot, there is actually a group of aliens referred to as The Late Ones.

Now, I don't know who said this, but it was a comedian on an audiotape I had back in high school. He pointed out this same fallacy: "the Old Ones, the Great Ones, the Dumb Ones." Bleccccch. Save us, please!

  thus spake Benjamin on 13.4.02

 
Woodward Meets Bush
Tim Blair sends along a neat link to the Providence Journal on Bob Woodward's meetings with Our President. That said, no you will not find a link to the story here. The ProJo has it in for its hardworking members of The Newspaper Guild, and its corporate overlords are generally nasty fellows who don't play fair. So I encourage you to go read Tim's site and his synopsis of it, which has all the good stuff anyway. But don't click on the ProJo link.

I suppose that could be considered solidarity, Internet-style.

  thus spake Benjamin on 13.4.02

 
Hey Music Lovers
Maybe this story would be worthy of comment from some of our music-industry experts, such as Ken Layne. What gets me about it is that there seems to be a tendency in the financial media to assume that MP3 files and CD burners and the like are contributing to a decline in music sales. Personally, I think it's because today's music just isn't all that good or enjoyable. But I'm not an expert on these things: maybe y'all can have at it.

  thus spake Benjamin on 13.4.02

 
Remind Me Again Why I Left California
Gee. Matt Welch reports that Robert Fisk, the Independent's most "distinguished" foreign correspondent, the man whom Afghan refugees nearly beat to death a while back, will be speaking in Los Angeles in a few hours. Actually, he will be speaking in Venice. He will be speaking literally less than 2 blocks away from my former home in Venice.

So! Anyone who is going to this event tonight: if you're driving down N. Venice Boulevard, and you see an orange-pastel coloured apartment building on your right, you have gone too far. Take a left and get back on S. Venice Boulevard: you're looking in the neighborhood of Abbot Kinney. Have fun, and do some polite heckling for me.

  thus spake Benjamin on 13.4.02

 
Rall and Terror
Rall and Terror. That has a nice ring to it, don't you think, like sturm und drang?

Anyway: annoying leftie cartoonist Ted "Tom Tomorrow Without the Humor" Rall has now gone on record charging the War on Terror is actually a War for Oil. This has prompted much snickering and much shaking of heads among the cognoscenti.

I wish this was a war for oil. And to be quite frank, if that becomes a secondary objective in our fight against al-Qaeda -- good! Securing a steady stream of oil to the West from Central Asia will provide, I don't know, jobs and stability to that wretched corner of the Earth. What folks like Rall never seem to realize is that people who go to bed with a full stomach and who have cash in their pockets are less likely to go out and blow other people -- i.e. us -- to smithereens.

Let's also not forget securing yet another source of Central Asian petroleum will further weaken the murderous thugs in charge of most OPEC nations, as less money flows into their coffers from the petroleum-needy West. Not only that, the West becomes more prosperous as gasoline prices fall.

We saw what happened when the generals turned out Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez just recently -- oil prices fell sharply. This is a good thing. Every time the price of gasoline drops one cent it results in a $1.3 billion savings for The American People. So why would we not do everything in our power to further our own interests abroad when our economic recovery may depend on it?

  thus spake Benjamin on 13.4.02

 
The Scandal and The Vatican
Oliver Willis posts today two articles from The Boston Phoenix on the pederasty scandal engulfing the Catholic Church. The first is a heartfelt and right-thinking article on the monetary cost of the scandal. I think any Catholic, no matter how close or removed from the Church, is pained at just how much capital will have to be expended in the settlements the Church is pursuing with the (in most cases) alleged victims of sexual abuse.

However, the second article puts forth the theory that the Vatican is to blame for the scandal. The thinking is that since Rome is unyielding in its position on priestly celibacy, divorce, birth control, homosexuality etc. etc., that these backward doctrines are to blame for the evil acts of which a few priests in the American Church are guilty. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Personally, I'd argue the American Church's excessive tolerance towards such behaviour is at least partially to blame for this scandal. Why the Church did not immediately defrock the likes of Paul Shanley and John Geoghan when their repulsive acts became clear is beyond me. But then, how many American priests and bishops really believe in the doctrines which Rome has put forth? If they're not rock-solid in their belief that celibacy is a good idea, could this explain it? If they're lenient on doctrines related to homosexuality, etc., is it any surprise we see such leniency when it comes to dealing with Shanley and Geoghan? If they had truly put Rome's directives into practice, wouldn't they have gotten rid of such scum at the first possible opportunity? For it's worth noting that everywhere else Rome's authority holds sway, such instances of priestly pedophilia are true aberrations. In the United States, we now know that it is more than just an aberration. I submit that the theological degeneration that holds sway in much of the American Church is at least partially a root cause.

The Phoenix doesn't arrive at this conclusion. Instead, their editorialist notes that many American Catholics disagree with the Church's position on everything from birth control to the ordination of women. Since this is the case, the Phoenix says the American Church should break away from Rome's orbit. To wit:

"So if gradual reform is unlikely, what will work? Perhaps it is time for a modern Reformation, a hugely challenging and conflict-ridden task. If the Soviet empire could wither and be replaced by a peaceful Eastern Europe (the Balkans excepted), why can’t the American Church, or large communities within it, withdraw from Rome’s orbit and establish a spiritual community that meets the needs of the 21st century?

What the Phoenix doesn't seem to realize is that this has already taken place.

It's called Episcopalianism.

  thus spake Benjamin on 13.4.02

 
Report: Military Puts End to Chavez's Tyranny
The Washington Post reports that the Venezuelan military has overthrown President Hugo Chavez. The coup d'etat came after protests against Mr Chavez's Government in Caracas yesterday turned violent, leaving at least 12 people dead.

Now this is a nice way to start off the morning, especially since Venezuela's military may actually let free and fair democratic elections take place in the near future. Even if they hadn't, however, having a military junta in place would be preferable to Mr Chavez's Government. His support for dictators such as Saddam Hussein and Fidel Castro was annoying, and his hostility to the United States threatened the oil exports we receive from Venezuela. It is pleasing to see him removed from power.

Also: would the leftists reading this article kindly note America Had Nothing to Do With This. This is not a repeat of Chile in '73. Please rest assured that in a week, Mr Chavez will be sipping mai tais in Havana.

  thus spake Benjamin on 12.4.02

 
Law and Order, II
The civil authorities in my former home town of Los Angeles have informed Scott Rubush he is to report for jury duty. This has caused much wailing and gnashing of teeth on Mr Rubush's part, as the last thing he wants to deal with is the financial and emotional hardship such service would undoubtedly bring. As such, he is desperately looking for ways to evade his mandated service to the judiciary, and pleads with those of you with legal knowledge for ways he can escape such duty.

However, I do not believe Mr Rubush has all that much to worry about. Nor should you if you get called up for jury duty. Televised trials send a silly message to the American people: that when they get hauled into the dock, they will enjoy a months-long trial where evidence will be debated and there will be rounds of objections and the jury will be sequestered. This happens in one of every ten thousand cases. Your standard trial is far different: the guilt of the accused is pretty much established, and the defendant is there because he's stubborn or confused or embittered. Sure, he could be innocent too -- but let's face it, when it comes to something like car theft or misdeameanor assault, the prosecutors generally have the right man. Not always, of course, but generally.

For criminals generally aren't very bright people, and whether they stand accused of a misdeameanor assault charge or capital murder, by the time they stand in the dock they have likely done most of the prosecutors' work for them. The end result is that their trials are generally quick and to the point. It is rare such things go longer than a week, and not much more time passes before a jury sends the case to a judge for sentencing. The criminal goes to prison, the judge moves on to the next case, and the jurors go home and have a gin.

I base these observations on three things. The first is that I am a third-string court reporter, the guy sent to cover the courthouse when the regular reporters are out sick, and I have done that in Northern Virginia and here in New Hampshire. The second is that I have always been astonished at the speed with which our courts mete out justice, whether hearing about quick trials from friends serving on juries or seeing a district court judge deal with a courtroom full of petty cases in a morning arraingment. The third is that I have covered cases ranging from murder to sexual assault to the pettiest of crimes -- and what amazes me is how many criminals admit to the police they did the crime of which they're accused.

Now, I think there are three types of people who get hauled into the dock. The first is that type who clearly haven't any clue as to what is happening. They plead guilty because it is convenient to do so. They have no idea of the sentence they face. They do not realize pleading nolo contendere is pretty much pleading guilty without the court getting the moral satisfaction of a guilty plea. They stand before the First Estate in T-shirts and jeans, and half-comprehend the charges the police prosecutors lay out, and answer the judge in monosyllables, and rue their bad luck in getting caught.

The second is your standard petty criminal. He is an irritant to the police prosecutors and judges whom he faces, hauled before them on a charge of beating his wife or disorderly conduct. His arraignment is an ultimately trivial affair in which he is found guilty, either through his own plea or a judicial finding. He receives a suspended sentence, probation, and a small fine, and is set loose on his merry way provided he pays the clerk on the way out. Some will clean up their act; some will find their way back before the court and end up in jail; and still others may get into far more serious trouble.

Now you would think this third type -- the folks in serious trouble: facing serious felony charges, facing years or a life behind bars in prison -- would be smart enough not to spill their guts to the police. After all, they have the right to remain silent and the right to an attorney and all that. No. That would be clever. Instead, they lay out what they did to the investigating detectives. The detectives proceed to write this and everything else up in the form of an affidavit supporting a warrant. Suddenly the subjects who couldn't keep their bloody traps shut are under arrest. It's easy for the prosecutors and the police to verify their accounts, and by the time the case is ready for trial the State has an iron-clad prosecution which only a Bronx jury can torpedo.

Don't believe me? These affidavits are all public record. So if you're in a courtroom some idle morning, and you see a prisoner being arraigned, check out his court file after the proceeding is complete. Half the good stuff doesn't make it into the papers, and it's interesting reading over lunch.

So don't worry, Scott. When you sit judging your fellow man, you can rest assured that it will be a quick and speedy trial. That's not just because that's a defendant's right in America, it's because the defendant has likely done quite a bit to grease the wheels of justice himself.

  thus spake Benjamin on 12.4.02

 
Law and Order
Oliver Willis has an enjoyable post on the horror that is Law School, in which he gleefully castigates proto-lawyers as greedy and rapacious, their sole goal in this life centreing around earning high-powered attorneys' fees. I wholeheartily approve of this assessment. I will go even further and allow myself the hope that Mr Willis might actually agree with me when I say we need loser-pays tort reform. A restoration of this tried-and-true system, which the British use to great effect, would sharply cut into the unearned income these shysters bleed out of decent, God-fearing people.

Then again, maybe he wouldn't. It doesn't matter. It's still a good idea.

  thus spake Benjamin on 11.4.02

 
Thank G-d for This
The Palestine Liberation Organization's Washington office was evicted from its plush K Street digs after it failed to pay its rent, The Jerusalem Post reports. I find this to be an incredibly pleasing development.

Still, more must be done. As the Post says, the PLO is not in itself a recognized State, nor does it carry any diplomatic recognition. Wouldn't it be nice if our Government would get its act together and evict these terrorists from the United States?

  thus spake Benjamin on 11.4.02

 
Blogging and Whinging, All the Day Day Long
Sarge Schultz passes along this petulant post from one Neale Talbot, in which Mr Talbot complains that war-bloggers are cynical types only seeking to make money off of their Web logs.

Yes, Mr Talbot is a foreign person. Yes, Mr Talbot is an old-time blogger. Yes, Mr Talbot says things like, "I've been mentioned on metafilter 47 times."

(pause)

(raise eyebrows)

(if you listen very closely, you can hear the silence in my living room as I type. You may even hear the crickets and dog howling in the background).

But all that is still no excuse for this attack on people who, quite simply, Are More Popular and Do a Better Job at their work than Mr Talbot does. Besides, it doesn't make sense. There are only two people who have made rather a lot of money from content-related Internet endeavours, and those are Matt Drudge and Andrew Sullivan. The rest of us do this 'cause it's so much damned fun.

Also: Mr Talbot has a "Poem of the Day" link, as well as a "911 Reasons to Hate America" link on his site.

Hippie! Communist! Knave! Wretched malcontent!

  thus spake Benjamin on 10.4.02

 
War Between the States, 21st-Century Style
I have been informed that Patrick Carver has sallied forth and issued a polite yet hard-hitting response to my Rant sneering at Mississippi. Now, most Americans see Mississippi as a cultural backwater, a place where its rustic people eke out a subsistence living in its growing industries of sharecropping, poultry-slaughtering, and relief collecting. Mr Carver, however, says this is a dated view of a State with the second-most traveled parkway in Our Fair Republic.

I shall echo Mr Carver's response format, as it will let readers see my original response (regular text), his retort (italics), and my rebuttal (bold text).

---------

Now, any good Mencken collection should have his classic essay "The Sahara of the Bozart," and other commentaries on the cultural life in our Southern provinces. But since Mr Mencken is no longer with us, I shall take up the Northern sword in response to Mr Carver's post, and trample out the vintage in defense of my roots.

Assuming that Mr. Mencken was right about the South, that particular essay was written nearly over 80 years ago. Maybe, just maybe, things have changed since then.

Well, as The Beatles said, I have to admit it's getting better (it can't get much worse). For example, minorities can now vote, hold office, and even travel freely within the State without fearing for their lives or property. Still, many of Mencken's criteria still hold: the state is still poorer, and still not as educated, and still not as healthy as the rest of America, modern progress not withstanding. It has a crime rate that is average among the American states, but yet is high for a rural state. Also, as Mr Carver has noted, its backward juries routinely award obscene amounts of damages to plaintiffs in civil suits.

For such defensive articles are in truth offensive screeds, designed to mask a gross inferiority complex. They do that through implicitly attacking their Northern brethren, folks who have no need for odes and tracts proclaiming their worth. When Mr Carver spreads the Harveyan gospel that Mississippi is prosperous and advanced and civilised, the mostly unsaid corollary is that the carpetbagging moneygrubbing mackerel-snappers north of the Mason-Dixon are barbarous wretches. And since Mr Carver makes it clear his least favourite states are situated here in the Northeast, I for one shall not let this slander against my honour and my region stand.

Why don’t I like the Northeast? Well, the six states of New England have bestowed the U.S. with politicians like Ted Kennedy, Patrick Kennedy, Bernie Sanders, John Kerrey, Joseph Lieberman, Christopher Dodd, and everybody’s favorite turncoat, Jumpin’ Jim Jeffords. I will admit though, New Hampshire does appear to be a lone corridor of sanity in that liberal wasteland. Its Congressional delegation averages a 85 rating by the American Conservative Union. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s full of Yankees.

I am pleased to see that Mr Carver has rightfully designated New Hampshire, the Last Bastion of Old New England, as a lone corridor of sanity in this wasteland. Many here in the Granite State feel the same way. To our west, we have Vermont, a state which in its backwardness detests and fears New Hampshire, its wealthier, saner neighbor. To our south, we have Massachusetts, that bloated and corrupt den of infamy, a state so unlivable that its citizens flee for the Granite State as soon as they can make the move here; and to our east, we have Maine ... which is Maine. We don't need to say anything more. It's Maine. There be lobstah in Maine, except in the interior, where the wretched populace wails and gnashes their teeth at the wealth on the coast. Anyway. New Hampshire. Great weather, concealed weapons allowed, no state income or sales taxes, respect for God and the Law. Also we have great skiing.

There is no skiing in Mississippi.

It's not our fault that Mississippi's remnants of Ku Kluxery decided to lynch some of our civil rights volunteers back in the Sixties. If the Magnolia State had actually let blacks vote back then, we wouldn't have had all of these problems in the first place. So, to complain about a television movie which used history as its backdrop is disingenuous and appalling. Besides, when Hollywood produced "The Winds of War" back in the Eighties, no German complained about his nation's portrayal -- so neither should a citizen of Mississippi.

Not every movie that involves Germany in some matter includes the Nazis or World War II. However, most movies (To Kill a Mockingbird, The Chamber, Mississippi Burning, A Time to Kill, etc.) about Mississippi how racist the place is.

Are you sure about that? In any event, that only proves that Germany has done something more in its history than serve as an instrument of racial hatred. Has Mississippi? If so, the word really isn't getting out.

When was the last time anyone attacked Mississippi for anything? There's no need.

Aren’t you attacking Mississippi right now?

No. This is entirely a defensive action.

Actually, I'd be willing to lay two bits on the line to say there is more artistic talent in New York or Los Angeles than in Mississippi. Besides, this is all well and good, but Mencken had a quick and ready response, which I'll paraphrase. The real question, he would have said, is: how many of these people could or can bear to live there?

John Grisham seems to be able to bear it since he owns huge home just outside of Oxford, MS. William Faulkner managed to tolerate the ignorant citizens of Mississippi for 32 years in his Oxford house, “Rowan Oak.” And let’s not forget Ms. Eudora Welty who lived in Jackson for decades until she passed away recently.

But these are only three of the people listed in your original list, which seems to serve my point. Speaking of Faulker, Mr Carver, I encourage you to read this article from your very own college newspaper, The Daily Mississippian. In it, Faulkner agrees with Mencken. To wit: "Faulkner did not deny that Mississippi was barbaric, tragic and sick, but he also acknowledged that it was uniquely American."

Yes, uniquely American. There is no place like Mississippi in America.

Gosh, more upholstered furniture than any other state. Now, I don't know what this says about the wage-scales for skilled labour down there. I would, however, point out that Ohio, Florida, and Texas are where the Real Work of the space program is done.

I think testing space shuttle engines for NASA to make sure they don’t do annoying things like blowing up or shutting down after blast-off can be considered Real Work. And let the record show that No Work for the space program is done in New Hampshire.

True. We just produce the people -- people like Christa McAuliffe, of Concord -- who go into space.

There's more stuff, and apparently there's also some interesting insight into Mississippi's contributions to the medical field, which are admittedly impressive, except for the fact that they all happened back in the early Sixties. What's happened recently? Surely such an enlightened State would continue in its pioneering work. Sadly, no evidence is given of The Magnolia State's continued pre-eminence in this domain. I suppose all the doctors and the lawyers and such went off to gamble away their paycheques in the many casinos that have sprung up all over Mississippi like a cancer.

In fact the state has continued in medical progress. Mississippi is home of the Methodist Rehabilitation Center, named in 2000 by U.S. World News and Report as one of America’s best hospitals and is “one of only 17 hospitals in the country designated a Traumatic Brain Injury Model System by the National Institute on Disability and Rehabilitation Research.”.

Also, “paycheques”? Just because you live near Canada, it doesn’t mean you have to spell like Canadians.

My use of UK style aside, let's look at some facts:

(Source: National Center for Health Statistics)

PERCENT OF BIRTHS TO MOTHERS UNDER 20, 1999:

New Hampshire: 7.1%
U.S. Average: 12.2%
Mississippi: 19.7% (No. 50!)

OUT-OF-WEDLOCK BIRTHS, 1998:

New Hampshire: 24.1%
U.S. Average: 32.1%
Mississippi: 45.4%

Why focus on out-of-wedlock births? Simple. Having a child outside of marriage has a detrimental effect on one's economic health and educational attainment. It results in an increase in poverty, a decrease in life expectancy and general health for the children involved, and may also lead to other detrimental effects such as deliquency and lawlessness. Also there is that unpleasant side effect known as ... well ... social disease.

In any event, I hope this rebuttal further serves to show that ... well, that a New Englander will fire away with both barrels when he is provoked.

  thus spake Benjamin on 10.4.02

 
Look Out America: Rukeyser's Back
CBS Marketwatch reports that Louis Rukeyser, America's favourite financial commentator, will return next Friday on CNBC. That's Friday at 8:30 p.m. The usual time.

Rock on!

  thus spake Benjamin on 9.4.02

 
Zoinks!
Report: Scooby, a police K-9 unit from Florida, has ... ah ... unmanned a subject while in the process of apprehending him.

  thus spake Benjamin on 9.4.02

 
The Sahara of the Bozart, AD 2002
Patrick Carver, a Southerner who unfortunately hails from Jackson, Miss., has reproduced a transcript of a Paul Harvey radio commentary lauding the achievements of The Magnolia State. Upon reading it, one finds it an interesting but hackneyed commentary, and a tired one at that. The good old boys down in Arkansas wrote an infuriated version of that in the early 20th Century, and the vitriolic commentator H.L. Mencken had a ball tearing it -- not to mention the rest of the South -- to shreds.

Now, any good Mencken collection should have his classic essay "The Sahara of the Bozart," and other commentaries on the cultural life in our Southern provinces. But since Mr Mencken is no longer with us, I shall take up the Northern sword in response to Mr Carver's post, and trample out the vintage in defense of my roots.

For such defensive articles are in truth offensive screeds, designed to mask a gross inferiority complex. They do that through implicitly attacking their Northern brethren, folks who have no need for odes and tracts proclaiming their worth. When Mr Carver spreads the Harveyan gospel that Mississippi is prosperous and advanced and civilised, the mostly unsaid corollary is that the carpetbagging moneygrubbing mackerel-snappers north of the Mason-Dixon are barbarous wretches. And since Mr Carver makes it clear his least favourite states are situated here in the Northeast, I for one shall not let this slander against my honour and my region stand.

Yep. Line-by-line takedown, of course.

The pack-media could not wait to remake the movie MISSISSIPPI BURNING into a TV version called MURDER IN MISSISSIPPI. Thus yet another generation of Americans is being indoctrinated with indelible snapshots which are half a century out of date. The very idea that anybody from New York, D.C., Chicago or L.A. could launch stones from those shabby glass houses toward anybody else is patently absurd.

It's not our fault that Mississippi's remnants of Ku Kluxery decided to lynch some of our civil rights volunteers back in the Sixties. If the Magnolia State had actually let blacks vote back then, we wouldn't have had all of these problems in the first place. So, to complain about a television movie which used history as its backdrop is disingenuous and appalling. Besides, when Hollywood produced "The Winds of War" back in the Eighties, no German complained about his nation's portrayal -- so neither should a citizen of Mississippi.

Lilliputians have psychological need to make everybody else appear small and Mississippi, too nice to fight back, is such an easy target.

When was the last time anyone attacked Mississippi for anything? There's no need.

The International Ballet Competition regularly rotates among four citadels where there is a sufficiency of sophisticated art appreciation: Varna, Bulgaria; Helsinki, Finland; Moscow, Russia; and Jackson, Mississippi.

One of these things is not like the other! One of these things is not -- the -- same!

No state can point to a richer per capita contribution to arts and letters. William Faulkner, Richard Wright, Walker Percy, Ellen Douglas, Willie Morris, Margaret Walker Alexander, Eudora Welty, Tennessee Williams, Thomas Harris (Silence of the Lambs) and John Grisham are Mississippians. As are Leontyne Price, Elvis Presley, Tammy Wynette, B.B. King, Jimmy Rogers, Oprah Winfrey and Jimmy Buffett.

Actually, I'd be willing to lay two bits on the line to say there is more artistic talent in New York or Los Angeles than in Mississippi. Besides, this is all well and good, but Mencken had a quick and ready response, which I'll paraphrase. The real question, he would have said, is: how many of these people could or can bear to live there?

And the state stays busy-manufacturing more upholstered furniture than any state...testing space shuttle engines for NASA...building rocket motors.

Gosh, more upholstered furniture than any other state. Now, I don't know what this says about the wage-scales for skilled labour down there. I would, however, point out that Ohio, Florida, and Texas are where the Real Work of the space program is done.

There's more stuff, and apparently there's also some interesting insight into Mississippi's contributions to the medical field, which are admittedly impressive, except for the fact that they all happened back in the early Sixties. What's happened recently? Surely such an enlightened State would continue in its pioneering work. Sadly, no evidence is given of The Magnolia State's continued pre-eminence in this domain. I suppose all the doctors and the lawyers and such went off to gamble away their paycheques in the many casinos that have sprung up all over Mississippi like a cancer.

Maybe Mississippi is right to downplay it's opportunities, advantages and refinement. The ill-mannered rest of us, converging, would surely mess it up.

Now, I can see someone saying this about New Hampshire, as the state's opportunities, advantages and refinement have led to a convergence of people who want to do nothing but mess it up. But I don't think that this will happen in Missisippi. Consider, just as an example:

Year 2000 Crime Rate in MS: 4,004.4 per 100,000 persons. (violent: 360.3 per 100,000; 9 murders per 100K)
Year 2000 Crime Rate in NH: 2,433.1 per 100,000 persons (violent: 175.4 per 100,000; 2 murders per 100K)

Source: FBI Uniform Crime Report (2000)

MS, Percentage of People in Poverty, 2000: 14.5%
NH, Percentage of People in Poverty, 2000: 6.3%

MS, Median Income, 2000: $31,528
NH, Median Income, 2000: $48,928

Source: U.S. Census Bureau

Besides, as Mr Carver wisely wrote in another post arguing in favour of keeping Mississippi's segregationist flag: "Gov. Musgrove, wouldn't factors like high tax rates and juries that give away settlements that rival Powerball drawings have more affect on job creation?"

Aye, that they would.

  thus spake Benjamin on 9.4.02

 
This Will Not Be Missed
Report: Penthouse publisher Guccione faces financial ruin.

  thus spake Benjamin on 8.4.02

 
NEWS UPDATE: The Disability of Pride
(see original post)

Thisislondon.com reports that Gauvin McCullough, the son of a lesbian couple in Maryland who did all they could to intentionally have a deaf child, is in fact without hearing in one ear and has only partial hearing in his other ear.

Hell.

What a Goddamned waste.

However, the New York correspondent for thisislondon.com was suitably outraged in his story. So much so that the headline reads: "Lesbians: We made our baby deaf on purpose."


  thus spake Benjamin on 8.4.02

 
How Our Leaders Eat
I am sadly an inexpert cook when it comes to preparing crab cakes. So naturally, before I prepared three of them for this evening's meal (with two biscuits and a bottle of beer), I went on-line to see how the devils should be prepared. What does my Internet search engine provide me? A crab cake recipe from none other than The Hon Parris Glendening, Governor of Maryland. Now, I've read my Mencken. I know Marylanders know how to prepare these things. Hence, I took Gov Glendening's advice and had at it. It turned out well enough.

And as I ate in front of the computer this evening, I started searching other recipes from Statehouses across our land. Some of the recipes were uplifting, while others were not as uplifting. In fact, some of those other recipes were so hideously bad they should be cast down into the depths with Capernaum. However, since it is beyond our power to damn the worst of these recipes to Perdition, I believe it wise and just for Americans to show their appreciation for the good (and revulsion towards the bad) at the ballot box. So without further ado, here are the good, the bad, and the ugly recipes to come out of our Governors' kitchens. Happy eating!

GOOD

Governor Michael Huckabee
R-Arkansas
Huckabee's Hot and Happy Cajun Jambalaya

Now this is a recipe. Quality ingredients, good cookery, and a lot of time and preparation go into making the Governor's Jambalaya. For proof of this, we turn to the introduction which Gov Huckabee has so kindly authored:

"For suggested seasonings, I recommend Tony Chachere's Cajun seasoning (I use it instead of salt and pepper for just about everything). In my opinion, there must be Tabasco sauce. The table isn't set and the dinner isn't ready until the Tabasco is available! The jambalaya is good when freshly made, but actually is better several hours (or even a day) after it's cooked when all of the ingredients have "merged" into a wonderful and filling feast."

Where one could go wrong with directions like these, I don't know. But we should expect nothing less from the Governor of Arkansas, a man who has had to rescue his state from the ravages of Messrs Clinton and Tucker. It's the same type of dry wit we saw when he created Arkansas' "Tax Me More Fund" for whiny leftists who complained taxes were too low. Nor can we fail to give style points for shameless self-promotion. For further down in his recipe, the Governor instructs:

"Cook the rice according to directions (for best results, use rice grown in Arkansas)."

We're mass communicatin' hyar!

Governor Jane Dee Hull
R-Arizona
Coyote Caviar

An inventive name for an admittedly unspectacular tortilla chip dip gives this recipe all its flair. Inventive cooks could undoubtedly find ways to actually put meat in this recipe, which would prove entirely wonderful for annoying environmentalists. Further, the name, one could argue, symbolizes the hatred and disdain that God-fearing Westerners have of the Eastern Establishment and all its decadence. Whip up a batch of this stuff today.

Governor Gary Locke
D-Washington
Apple Dumplings

Gov Locke may be chowder-headed when it comes to racial preferences, but fortunately he has a decent apple dumpling recipe. This fine creation, made with Washington apples, is simple and to the point and just sounds really good.

BAD

Governor Gray Davis
D-California
Lemon Chicken

Gov Davis assures us that he is "a real fan of First Lady Sharon's savory lemon chicken," which tells me that he's a better liar than I thought he was. Then again, we can forgive Gov Davis for lying. We cannot forgive him for passing along this atrocious chicken recipe, which is even blander than he is. Skinless, boneless chicken breasts, ugh! Lightly breaded with a 1/4 tsp of flour each, ugh! And almonds to garnish -- no man cares about a garnish! Why not use them to put some flavour in this sad relic from bad cookery books? Oh no, that'd be too easy. We must place them on a decorative plate, the Governor warns, or he'll cut off the electricity again. OK, he didn't say that, but you get the idea.

The real sin here, though, is this following line:

Serve with white rice and steamed asparagus and enjoy!

Blecccccccch. Steamed white rice? Steamed asparagus? Why not just give me a box of sawdust to eat? It's probably be more filling and I'd probably get the same amount of enjoyment from eating it.

Former Governor Pete Wilson
R-California
Barbecue Chicken

This is why Gov Wilson had his trial balloon popped when he floated the idea of running for President. This recipe. For there is no "barbecue" here. The proper word, I can assure you, is grilled. Not barbecued. Barbecue implies ketchup and molasses and garlic and all the other good things God has bestowed upon our Fair Republic in abundance. This recipe has none of those things: it is for a dieter or an invalid, and one can imagine the flavour boiling out of the chicken onto the coals below. Should you be surprised that the man who devised Proposition 187 eats this? No.

UGLY

Governor Paul Patton
D-Kentucky
Kentucky Hot Brown

Now this is a recipe. This is a recipe from the days when your kitchen was yellow and green (did Lileks say that? I can't remember. It sounds like something he would say). This is a recipe from the days when a man could make a living from an industrial job. This is a dish from the same genus as scrapple. This is a recipe from the days when people worked in armament factories. As such, I recommend that no one under 50 eat this without the advice and knowledge of a competent physician.

NOTES AND ASIDES

Governor Lincoln Almond
R-Rhode Island
Rhode Island White Clam Chowder

Republican In Name Only offers up Clam Chowder in Name Only. People -- don't get the clam chowder until you've crossed the Massachusetts line, please. Then again, these aren't clams. They're quahogs! Q-U-A-H-O-G.

Governor John Rowland
R-Connecticut
Squash Souffle

Squash souffle. Gov John Rowland.

Connecticut may be full of surprises, but this ain't one of 'em.

Governor George Ryan
R-Illinois
Pancakes

The same man who has called a tax a "user fee" sends in his family's inventive "recipe" for pancakes. Criminy. Now look. You can't call that a recipe: every person in all of Western civilization knows how to make a pancake. Then again, we should expect no less from Gov Ryan: a man whose bold stands on nothing has made him a legendary figure in Illinois politics.

  thus spake Benjamin on 8.4.02

 
RE: The Future is Now
Oh. Did I mention I wrote that post last year?

  thus spake Benjamin on 8.4.02

 
"The Future is Now," Says U-Conn Prof
(Or, a Subject That's Fun to Ponder, If Not Taken Too Seriously)
University of Connecticut professor Ronald Mallett says he has devised -- on paper -- a machine that can send things and people throughout time. Further, The Boston Globe and Sgt. Stryker inform us, the good doctor is not joking.

Now, the Sarge says the Globe account of the Professor's research is a "truly exciting article." I think it's interesting, myself, if foolish. I'm a bit of a science-fiction fan, and I've always enjoyed what are known as "alternative history" stories: where a scientist or other eminent personage travels either through time, or to parallel universes similar to our own. The physics are interesting but what is so much more so is the effect this travel has on history. The popular stories deal with questions such as, "What if Somebody Killed Hitler During the Beer Hall Putsch?" and "What if the Nazis Won the War?" and the like.

But it is clear Dr Mallett has spent too much time in the Ivory Tower. First, it can't be done. Secondly, the Man Who Would Travel Through Time Believes This:

And what about the ethics of changing history? There would be government laws to control time travel, he believes.

The Sarge says he wishes his blog had a laugh track. I say this is just silly. First, Dr Mallett is forgetting that old Ray Bradbury story where the guy goes back in time and steps on the butterfly and ends up changing the results of the latest presidential election when he returns. But perhaps this old quote from a short story says it all:

"You recall, when you were last here, asking me the meaning of a motto in my native language on the wall of my cell. I said I would tell you in connection with my whole fantastic story. The motto says: "Leave Well Enough Alone," and I wish I had."

-- L. Sprague de Camp, in "Aristotle and the Gun." (1958)


  thus spake Benjamin on 8.4.02

 
Nothing in New Hampshire Makes Up for City Life, Not Even Not Having Sales or Income Taxes, and Those People From Massachusetts Who Keep Moving Here Even Want to Take That Away from Us, the Scum
Well now that I've gotten my references to both Harlan Ellison and The Onion -- they did something like the above in "Our Dumb Century" -- out of the way, let's take a look at The Granite State.

The problem with Manchester and every other city in New Hampshire, as I see it, is that there's a complete and utter lack of a 24-hour-anything. Oh, sure, you have one -- count'em, one -- diner that is open all hours of the day and night, and you have the People's Glorious Donut Factories Nos. 1-18, but aside from that, this place is as dead as a doornail 363 days out of the year. There are two exceptions to this, as my editors like pointing out: firstly, St Patrick's Day; secondly, the Day Before Thanksgiving. Apparently lacking other things to do, folks in Manchester celebrate seeing their friends and loved ones the Old Fashioned Way: drink drink drink drink drink.

Please, God, if I stay here for the rest of my days, give me a job with LOTS of vacation time.

  thus spake Benjamin on 7.4.02

 
Give Me, God, The Open Road
I spent a while this evening just drinking a beer and looking at Lileks' site -- shrine? -- to one of the Things That Made America Great: The Motel. In short, the site's a time warp back to the days when the way you got places was to drive there. That's nice in itself, but what was really nice about it was that it brought back memories of a thousand places I've driven by but had forgotten.

Tucumcari, New Mexico. It's there. Joplin, Missouri. It's there. Breezewood, Pennsylvania -- it's not there, but I'm sure it will be soon. They are all places that blend into the background like Formica and cheap peeling paint, these towns. They exist only because of the concrete arteries that snake across this country, places that a man forgets one day after he leaves them but still haunt his soul to the end of his days.

For they're places that are refreshing yet depressing at the same time. They're refreshing because there's nothing more enjoyable than finding a nice place to stay after 14 hours on the road with only the asphalt and the scenery as your companions, and they're depressing because they make you think of the people who live there: day after day, night after night, always transient but never moving an inch. For what possesses a man to stay -- or worse, move -- to a place like Needles, Calif., or Lake Havasu City, Ariz., or Laughlin, Nev.? Desperation? Apathy? Wanting to get away from it all?

But a traveler shouldn't think about those things, except maybe in the small hours of the morning. Far better to think about the travel ahead, when the sun is rising and there's a chance to get a decent breakfast -- by God, a true sit-down breakfast with cheap coffee and a decent Denver omelette and some pancakes -- and all that's on your mind is the drive and the destination ahead. And along the way, unspoiled and unbroken and starkly beautiful scenery, as the road stretches as far as the eye can see and the only thing that stops you from pressing onward is a glorious fatigue.

  thus spake Benjamin on 7.4.02

 
Can't You Ill-Mannered Degenerates Stop Killing Each Other on a Sunday?!
(a Rant About Work)

UPDATE: Today, they did. Thank God.

I think Daylight Savings Time had everything to do with that.

  thus spake Benjamin on 7.4.02

 
Foul Johnson-Era Scheme to Ruin My Week
Who standardized time as we know it? Private industry, says this National Review commentary. But note within that article one tiny line, nay, a parenthetical remark: "(Nationwide daylight saving time came much later, in 1966.)"

So if private industry was the salvation of clock-watchers everywhere, who came up with daylight savings time, that foul invention which wreaks havoc with the sleep patterns of God-fearing Americans (nearly) everywhere? Congress, of course. A Democratically-controlled Congress, of course. Not content with using Daylight Savings Time for its original purpose -- to defeat the Germans -- Congress forced this hated system upon us to .... ugh ... save energy. They were so enamored with it that they forced DST on America during all of 1973.

1973! Ah, what a year! The year of Roe v. Wade, the year of Judge Sirica, the year of the first oil shock and the year of the Yom Kippur War. And I have no idea who these hippie / yippie / trippie types are, but it's proof that in 1973, people used to dress like this.

They may also have used phrases like "groovy" and "far out" and "right on."

That's reason enough to get rid of Daylight Savings Time: it can be part of our Long National Attempt to repair the damage the Sixties and Seventies wrought. Or, if that's not enough, there's the fact that we're all going to amble about like lifeless husks, wretchedly trudging to work and school and home, underneath a hideously bright and blue sky.

  thus spake Benjamin on 7.4.02

 
Western PA Tells PETA to Stick It
From USA TODAY:

CONNELLSVILLE, Pa. — A Connellsville Area High School fundraiser will go on despite objections from an animal rights group. For $10, players can claim one of 3,025 squares marked off in the front lawn of the high school in Fayette County. At noon on April 6, a cow will be led onto the lawn, and the square with the most "pie" will win $10,000. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is opposed to any event that uses animals as a form of entertainment. Principal Robert McLuckey said there's enough support to continue with the event. "People have already bought tickets for it," he said. "We have had a positive response to it overall."

  thus spake Benjamin on 7.4.02

 
COMING SOON:
Entries for 4/7

"Nothing in New Hampshire Makes Up for City Life, Not Even Not Having Sales or Income Taxes, and Those People From Massachusetts Who Keep Moving Here Even Want to Take That Away from Us, the Scum."

(It's another Rant about Life in New Hampshire).

"Foul Johnson-Era Scheme to Ruin My Week"

(It's a Rant about Daylight Savings Time).

"Can't You Ill-Mannered Degenerates Stop Killing Each Other For Once on a Sunday?"

(It's a Rant about Work).

  thus spake Benjamin on 7.4.02

 
Don't Count Out Computer Games Just Yet
Andrew Hofer has a nice tongue-in-cheek post on the disturbing tendency of games like SimCity to rely on Central Planning to get things done. Still, I would caution Mr Hofer that there is at least one game on the market which lets ideology triumph over all in terms of gameplay.

That game is Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri, and I have to admit it's a nice diversion for a couple of hours on a boring Tuesday evening. The idea behind it is that you're the leader of an irate group of colonists to Alpha Centauri, who hate the other colonists on the expedition because of ideological division. You then have to build a society from the ground up based on your ideology-of-choice and crush all the other groups of colonists.

It's great fun. Angry that the U.N. is sending peacekeepers to your land? Throw a nuke in their direction. Want to tick off the Greens? Strip-mine and wreak mass ecological devastation. Wary of the hyper-survivalists massing troops at your border? Sign a treaty and then land an invasion force behind their lines. Just make sure to watch out for the crazy people who based their society on North Korean lines.

As you can imagine, I play with what could be called the Capitalist faction.

  thus spake Benjamin on 6.4.02

 
Shocker of the Day
Hey everybody! Maureen Dowd says President Bush is trying to run the country the way he thinks it should be run! Quelle scandale!

(Yet another link stolen from Oliver Willis.)

  thus spake Benjamin on 6.4.02

 
A True Animus, Here
Well. It seems the newly-transplanted Oliver Willis, whilst sitting at his desk for a bit, has yet again smeared The Catholic Church. Mr Willis writes, in reference to a lay church administrator sacked after she raised Troubling Questions about abuse, that he's "thinking we need to look deeper into the whole filthy organization."

Perhaps it's just me, but I ask Mr Willis again: what is driving this anti-Catholic screed? Obviously the entire Church, with its worldwide apparatus and hundreds of thousands of clergy and one billion adherents, is not to blame for the atrocious and unforgivable conduct of one or two hundred deviants. Yet suddenly it is filthy and reprehensible and worthy of slander? Come on.

Buncombe. That's the word for it: buncombe. Good word too.

Anyway, Chris Weinkopf sends along another good take on the whole priest-abuse scandal.

  thus spake Benjamin on 6.4.02

 
Natalie Solent is Back from Holiday!
So go visit, eh?

  thus spake Benjamin on 6.4.02

 
The Disability of Pride
Allison Barnes sends along a particularly appalling story from The Washington Post about a deaf homosexual couple in Maryland, who have done all they can to make sure their second child is deaf. The rationale behind this gruesome application of genetics, the Post informs us, is that they consider deafness to be not a disability, but rather a statement of cultural identity. And so they have taken group-identity politics to a new low.

For let's think for a second here. What will this boy's life be if in fact he turns out to be deaf? It's not only that he won't be able to enjoy Beethoven's Ninth Symphony or the lastest techno CD by DJ Encore. While certainly bad enough so that a sane person would not wish this on anyone, a world without music is just one of many things the child will miss out on. Perhaps most notable among those missing things will be the chance to fully integrate himself socially with his peers, to fully enjoy the benefits of his labor, and most of all, to fully pursue his hopes and dreams. For let's face it -- he may very well live a happy and good life, but if he wanted to be a fighter pilot, he's out-of-luck until they somehow come up with a cure for deafness.

And all because his parents wanted, in their pride and their vanity, a deaf child. It amazes me that reporter Liza Mundy didn't ask the key question here: what happens when he finds out his parents did this? What happens when, idly searching for his name in Lexis-Nexis or learning more about his own deafness, he learns that all his difficulties and troubles and frustrations that he experiences from his deafness are all due to a horrific decision his parents made so very long ago? What will that do to the relationship he has with his parents -- and what will that do to him? Maybe he will take it all in stride, and understand why they did, but I find that a very improbable reaction. If indeed Gauvin Hughes McCullough grows up without hearing, I think he will be very angry and very hurt down the line. And he will be perfectly justified in asking his parents: Why did you do this to me?

To take a page from Allison's book, let's look at my own health "issues." She and I are in agreement: the last thing we want is for our future sons and daughters to have any of the health problems we have now. In my case, I do not want them to have asthma, diabetes, clinical depression, shortness of breath, bad teeth or flat feet. I definitely do not want them to have cystic fibrosis or heart disease, which lurk in my genetic history. I also don't want to see them make the same mistakes I did. I do not want to see them smoke and I do not want to hear they did any of the other stupid things I've done in my short life. I do not enjoy the fact I'm a diabetic -- I've grown used to it and I can live with not eating ice cream -- but I would never want my kids to develop diabetes so I could bond with them.

And let's face it. If a parent tries to "bond" with his offspring entirely based on the parent's hopes and dreams, he is going to fail, and fail miserably. We have all seen the parents at youth sporting matches who harangue their children, and insult the referees, and generally make asses of themselves because they want Johnny or Susie to be a star performer in soccer or something. Their children universally seem to despise whatever activity they have been forced into, but they are made to do it all the same. As such, they are miserable. Their parents are also miserable. Even worse, everyone else is made miserable because we have to watch as Mrs Smith and Mr Jones make fools of themselves over a soccer match.

Now tell me how this situation is any different, aside from the fact that it takes that sense of vicariousness to a particularly gruesome and horrific level. It is no different, and the parents indict themselves with their own words:

"It would be nice to have a deaf child who is the same as us. I think that would be a wonderful experience. You know, if we can have that chance, why not take it?"

That's the birth mother speaking. Look at that, now. Look at the words she uses: us, I, we. Nothing about him; nothing about her son.

What abominable self-conceit. What a warped sense of thinking. How dare this woman play God with the life of another human being, and particularly her own flesh and blood?

  thus spake Benjamin on 6.4.02

 
Oh, God, No! (Part III)
Dr Severino Antinori, the Godless wretch hell-bent on cloning a human being, reports at a conference in Abu Dhabi that a woman is two months pregnant with a cloned child. This report comes courtesy of the Gulf News, which also says:

"Dr Antinori was happy to be in an Islamic culture which was open and described it as an effective culture that helps scientific progress. The country pays great attention to the importance of establishing human scientific research centres."

In other news from the United Arab Emirates, Gulf News reports the citizenry in Abu Dhabi are not happy with the "insolent" Israelis and would not hesitate to take part in an "all-out jihad" to drive them into the sea.

I will leave it to the reader to conjecture whether the UAE's openness towards Dr Antinori's abominable research and its hatred of Israel is related.

  thus spake Benjamin on 4.4.02

 
Oh, God, No! (Part II)
The BBC reports the White House has invited Ozzy Osbourne to dinner. Jesus God, our culture is falling apart.

  thus spake Benjamin on 4.4.02

 
Oh, God, No!
CNN reports that Karenna Gore Schiff is considering a run for public office, which has to be the scariest thing I've read all day. Now, you may ask, what would lead Vice President Gore's oldest daughter to contemplate such a move? Let's see what CNN has to say:

"I really love grassroots politics," she said in an interview with CNN. "I care a lot about issues that other people do: environmental protection and health care and education. And it was such a privilege to be able to talk about those things out on the campaign trail in 2000. So I don't know if I'll be a candidate, but it is something that I wouldn't rule out."

Right. So what we're being asked to do here is consider voting for someone who "really loves" politics. Someone who cares, no doubt, about saving sucker fish and nationalising the health care industry and federalising education. Further, we're being asked to vote for a someone who has all the wisdom of a typical 28-year-old: a 28-year-old who is a class traitor, a 28-year-old who has never held a real job, a 28-year-old who cares but probably has no clue as to what damage her (or her father's) political views would wreak if enacted into law.

Oh, God. Ora pra nobis.

  thus spake Benjamin on 4.4.02

 
Our Incredibly Rude Nation
The polling outfit/pressure group Public Agenda has come out with a study showing Americans are an incredibly, beastly, disturbingly rude people -- so much so that 8 out of 10 Americans think it's a major problem. While it's not clear if that has to do with the actions of the other 2 in 10 Americans, the survey shows Americans are sick and tired of being treated rudely, shoddily, and with outright contempt.

Naturally, the folks at Public Agenda wanted to know what caused this, and Americans were more than willing to tell them. 84 percent blamed parents; 62 percent said morality was in decline; 60 percent blamed negative role models; 50 percent blamed congestion; 47 percent blamed Americans' lifestyles; 47 percent blamed Americans' declining sense of community; 45 percent blamed the fact people wouldn't speak out against it; and 41 percent said rude behavior was so common people stopped being nice. You can see a breakdown of these findings here.

Are parents at fault? I think so, just simply because when I was growing up my parents would have boxed my ears if I was overly rude to anyone, especially an adult. Indeed, I remember a particularly unpleasant few instances where my parents, not happy with my behaviour, were quick to ground me for mouthing off. However, even growing up, I knew plenty of parents who gave such behavior a free pass.

Has there been a decline in Americans' morals? Of course. I know I don't need to spell this out for you. I'd overload the blogspot servers if I did (PART MCCLXXVI: "The appalling state of teenagers' conduct in American cinema, Post 37.")

Is the fact people won't speak out against it to blame?

Ah ... now there's the key!

Let's consider now. We live in an era where all sorts of anti-social and decadent behaviour is condoned. We can't hurt someone's feelings, or his self-esteem. We are told it's not our place to criticize someone if he starts drinking before noon, or lives in sin with his girlfriend, or downloads pornography in public libraries, or is a miser, or tokes up on a late night, or gambles away his paycheck, or visits houses of ill-repute, or has children out of wedlock, or uses foul language, or leaves his wife and children. After all, it is every man's right to do these things, and it's not the place of society or his neighbours or his employer or anyone else to tell him otherwise. The only authority that can tell him in this day and age? His probation officer or his jailer.

It used to be that the vast majority of people did not do those things, and that was for two reasons. The first was that they had a moral compass, and the second was that people would call them on it. If Bobby's mother heard Bobby using a rather naughty word, Bobby's mother would interrogate him until she found out where Bobby learned it, and undoubtedly Timmy the neighborhood bully would get his mouth washed out with soap. So would Bobby, for that matter. Go watch "A Christmas Story" again, if you don't believe me. That kind of thing actually happened.

However, that doesn't go a long way in explaining the sheer vulgarity that infests American life, and I put the blame for that squarely on the fact that we have lost the concept of class. We give no thought to helping our fellow man out of the goodness of our own hearts; we let the Government do it for us. We -- meaning we of the coarser sex as a whole -- no longer respect women. We no longer give no respect to the aged or or sales clerks or authority figures such as policemen. Worst of all, we do not hold those who have money and power and respectability in this life responsible for conduct we find appalling in people who don't have those things.

Now, everyone has seen examples of this latter phenomenon. We see people with Old Money look down at those who don't have the same refinement and education and taste that they have. We see people with New Money forget their roots and crack the whip mercilessly on those who haven't made it yet. The bleat of discontent from such people is not dissimilar to hearing fingernails scraped on a blackboard. They will mercilessly pick at any fault they can find in others to make up for the lack of empathy in their own souls. They will snicker at their less-expensive cars and threaten to have them cashiered and harass them at stores and demand their soup now, or else.
Is it any wonder the objects of their wrath and scorn don't exactly rise to the challenge of being Customer-Centric?

It is in these instances where I am willing to tolerate a bit of rudeness, either from the aggrieved party or their associates. For the one thing I will not stand for in this life is seeing my friends or my family treated badly. With me, it's different -- I'm a journalist and I get treated badly all the time, and I can take it. But to borrow some old phrases, my family is sacred and my friends are a meritocracy. Cross them, mock them, disparage them and attack them, and by God, I will come down on you like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. And whether you're a 28-year-old brat with a trust or a 52-year-old forex trader, I will give no quarter.

Some things, after all, just aren't right.

  thus spake Benjamin on 3.4.02

 
Civil Rights Lecture, With Visual Aids!
Well. Only one day has passed thus far, and Penny Carlson has confirmed my worst fears. She has posted up a rather graphic picture of pro-Taliban traitor John Walker strapped down to a board in the nude, and claimed the American Government was violating his civil rights. Now, this is perhaps the silliest thing I have ever heard. Let us remember that this is a Government which a) saved Walker's traitorous hide from among hundreds of corpses in a jail outside Mazar-e-Sharif, b) did not dispatch him upon finding he was an American, c) did not beat the soles of his feet or cut off his limbs or otherwise subject him to any torture which most Americans would have gladly applied at that point, d) provided him with transport out of the area and with legal counsel, and e) was operating, at the time, in a freakin' war zone where al-Qaeda and Taliban troops would hide grenades and other weaponry in their clothing.

But this does not matter to Miss Carlson. No. She is appalled and shocked and horrifed. So much so that she says, "The American goverment should be ashamed of this picture, and if their not I am ashamed for them." Yes, "their" was spelled T-H-E-I-R, not T-H-E-Y-apostrophe-R-E. Remind me why we should respect lawyers, please. I'm begging you.

Anyway! I am going to make this lesson As Easy as Possible for everyone to understand.

THIS IS NOT VIOLATING SOMEONE'S CIVIL RIGHTS



THIS IS VIOLATING SOMEONE'S CIVIL RIGHTS




(ABOVE, TOP: John Walker in American captivity, Afghanistan, 2002. AP. ABOVE, BOTTOM: Gen. Nguyen Ngoc Loan, ARVN, in Saigon, South Vietnam, 1968. With a soon-to-be-dead Communist. AP.).

---------
Of course, the kicker is that even the AP photographer on scene remarked, years later, that Gen. Loan's execution of the Communist soldier was justified.

  thus spake Benjamin on 2.4.02

 
BOSTON GLOBE COLUMNIST SLAMS BLOGGERS
700-Word Shriek Proof of "Bitterness, Arrogance," Say Observers
Beam Praised for Not Plagiarizing, Making Up Sources

MANCHESTER, NH -- In yet another sign that Massachusetts is a Godless and wretched place to live, Boston Globe columnist Alex Beam yesterday attacked far more talented writers than he is. The latest installment of Beam's twice-weekly column ("In the world of Web logs, talk is cheap"), which observers estimate took close to an entire three hours to research and write, was met with smirks and jeers from those he attacked.

"Thank God I don't live in Massachusetts," said Manchester-based journalist Benjamin Kepple after reading Beam's rant. "I might be forced to actually pick up a copy of the Boston Globe to find out daily news and information important to me. This would expose me to Beam's columns, and hence could cause me serious psychological and physical trauma. Fortunately, I have (Never You Mind Which Paper) to read day-in and day-out. It's the best newspaper ever, and I encourage everyone to pick up a copy at their news agent today."

However, not everyone condemned Beam's writing. Q. Lannister Tweed, dean of columnar journalism at the Medill School at Northwestern University, praised Beam for following proper column-writing procedures -- something with which other Globe scribes have had trouble.

"This is an impressive accomplishment for a Globe columnist," Tweed said, as he ticked off names of other columnists -- Mike Barnicle, Patricia Smith, etc. -- who have failed to properly cite sources, or made up quotes, or lied to their readers, or even fabricated entire people out of whole cloth. "Yes, Alex Beam is a true journalist. Sure, he attacked people in a tone that can only be described as embittered and arrogant. However, because he attacked people who actually exist, and actually used what they said to do it, this should be considered a high accomplishment for a columnist of the Globe's caliber."

"Now, give me my copy of the Globe back," Tweed said. "I have some bird cages to line."

  thus spake Benjamin on 2.4.02

 
The Power of the Dialectic
This evening I took a trip down memory lane, going through my old college history texts, and I realized that for much of my life, I've been living a lie. I have had an inappropriate intellectual relationship -- no, not just inappropriate -- it was wrong -- with my teachers both past and present, and I need to apologize for it. Because my views have undoubtedly caused a lot of harm to many people, especially low-income people, and women and minorities and the halt and the blind and the lame. I have failed to give them and people who see things differently than me a fair shake.

For who am I to say that my way of looking at life is more right or wrong than anyone else's? Who am I to say that all the people I fought against in college -- people truly interested in social justice for their fellow human beings -- didn't have valid views that need to be listened to? I forgot that people have rights: the right to choose; the right to not believe in God; the right to not just life, but a comfortable life at that. It wounds me to the very core of my being that, in saying otherwise, I engaged in racism and sexism and theism and hurt many good people along the way. I just couldn't accept the fundamental truth within that old maxim: for each, according to his ability; for each, according to his need.

I just hope that my readers can forgive me for these and the other mistakes I've made in my life. I'm not proud of what I have done, and I plan to make up for that by helping others work for social justice. We can and will create a better world for those who haven't received -- nay, have been denied -- their fair share. And lastly, I would say to Oliver and Penny and Jay and all the others I have linked to on this site who have done so much to convince me ....

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!!!!!!!

HA! Had ya going, didn't I? Thought I'd stop advocating for personal freedom and equality under the law and low taxes, didn't you? Wrong! People! I would never do that. Never. Now I'm going to get back to working for the American People. Remember: Crush Communism! Crush the intifada! Crush the Welfare State!

  thus spake Benjamin on 1.4.02

 
Oh No! Not Another Left-Winger!
At first, when I heard that one of Oliver Willis's roommates was going to start a Web log, I was overjoyed. For Mr Willis informed us that she disagreed with him on a frequent basis, which meant I naturally believed she was a God-fearing Conservative with views similar to mine. Bully!, I said to myself with glee, this is going to be wonderful. Then I was informed Penny Carlson is far to the left of Mr Willis. Further, I was told she was a law student.

No. No no no no no.

Yes.

Needless to say, this gave me a strong fix of apoplexy, the like of which has not seen since 1992. That, of course, was when the Republican Party shunted America's Greatest President to the 11 p.m. speaking slot so Patrick Buchanan could share his warm, caring views with a prime-time television audience. Clearly, I said to myself, this introduction of a new Web logger meant Oliver's site was going to be saturated with words like imperialism and patriarchy and lumpenproletariat, and we would hear about all the glories of Title IX for ever and ever.

Fortunately, this has not happened. Yet. Instead, Miss Carlson seems to care rather a lot for Israel, which was a pleasant surprise. After all, true leftists, becaue they have no moral compass, hate and fear that State and openly hope for its destruction. So perhaps she is not as far left as Mr Willis has made out. There is also a picture of Miss Carlson holding a very large firearm, a weapon capable of wreaking untold havoc on anyone who gets in harm's way.

I do not know whether this should inspire good feelings or a gnawing fear in me.

  thus spake Benjamin on 1.4.02